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Writer's Block: Splurging for My Future

What's something you would splurge on this year to improve your future?

I would splurge on baby stuff. I just found out I'm pregnant and I want to buy all the cute baby stuff I see. :)

New York.

So, I have a new nick name for my boo. :D
New York because I love New York and his initials
are NY. Perfect! Lol. I hung out with him last
night and we talked so much and it was amazing.
I loved every minute of it and really didn't
want to go home. He is so understanding and
really makes me feel good about everything
tht is happening. He really makes me think
that everything happens for a reason even if
we don't see it. Shit might suck at one point
but it was meant to happen and something will
come of it when you least expect it.
I'm gonna try to be honest with him about stuff
that I have never been honest about with
others. I'm trying not to get too attached to
him but I feel that its way to late for that.
I told him how I was feeling about him. He
accepted it and said later on that he felt
closer to me at that moment then any other
time. I felt it too. It was nice.

"Slow and steady wins the race."

Overcoming Myself.

So, I told Young to text me later when so we could hang or chat cause he had to go to the hospital. I'm sad to say that I miss him. I told him yesterday that I'm liking him too much already and he told me that all feelings are justified. He said that I should never say my feelings are bad. He told me how we are gonna take everything as it comes. One day at a time. Its so new to me that I'm being very impatient with him. I'm not upset or anything but I'm just used to getting what I want when I want it and that's not the case in this situation. We haven't even sat next to each other at his house alone. During this whole potentially serious convo, he kept me laughing so I would feel awkward about how I felt or what I was saying to him. I love that he can make me laugh whenever he chooses. I'm pretty good at keeping a smile on his face as well. He told me that I'm the first girl that he has felt comfortable around and that just makes me beam. I'm happy that I got to spend all that time with him last night. I got to see some pics from his "party" days, and of his family too. A lot was said last night, but all I know for sure is that we are dating, not in a relationship, but dating. Our first date, which was supposed to be last night, kinda got turned into a night with his daughter but I didn't care much. I love his little girl and she returns that feeling. She is all over me when I am there. She's so full of life and energy. :)
I'm trying to get over the codependency thing though and its hard. I want to talk to him all the time and be with him all the time but I can't. I know he'll get tired of me too soon for me to do that. I want to text him right now but I know he will text me eventually. I know he will. He never plays games with me, unless the other guys I have had the "pleasure" to meet. If he says something then he means it. I love it when he smiles at me. It makes me smile automatically, never fails. His blue eyes are amazing too. God, don't get me started. The fact that he keeps me laughing really seals the deal. I'm so attracted to guys that can make me laugh, something that is an easy task for him.
After I said something about how we still haven't sat by each other, he put on my bandana and started walking with a limp, trying to act like the guys that I'm used to. Lol. He walked up to me, put his arm around me and said "Wassup" with a mean mug on his face. I almost died. It was a great night even though I could've really turned it into some bull shit.<3
I'm falling.

Feb. 27th, 2009

I'm tired of worrying what's gonna happen tomorrow.
Today is when I'm living and tomorrow may never come. I have wasted so many of my days worrying about the future and the pain that might come. The anguish, the loneliness, the fear. I have been living in what ifs for as long as I can remember. I REFUSE to do that anymore. I'm gonna live minute by minute and day by day. I need to find my higher power and have Him help me find inner peace and joy.
I need to overcome my addiction to being and living co-dependedntly. Its destroying me and what happiness I could have. I need to worry about me and what I want right now, what I need right now. The shit that's been going on in the past weeks have really fucked me up. I'm am not doing good in school, I'm not going to class and not doing any work. I'm being a lazy ass bum and haven'e done anything productive in a long time. But that shit is done/
I'm done pitying myself and hating myself for something that is not wrong and is not my fault. I'm through living others emotions. I am through suffering for others and taking it out on myself.
I want you to be happy, I want you to love and smile and fuck if you must. If its not with me, I know that you feel that it wouldn't be right but if you are forever thinking that way, you will never be happy. I want what's best for me and what's best for you. If it's us, then great, but if not then we have to move on with our lives and live for ourselves. If it gets to the point where talking if gonna fuck me up to the extent that I'm not happy, or vice versa then I guess we won't talk. I don't feel that way right now but if it happens, then I will have no choice. I will NEVER sacrafice my happiness for anyone ever again.
I am a human being and as all other's I have made mistakes and have said shit that have hurt people. I am so sorry if you are hurt but I can' take it back so we must press forward.
If I have to move away to be happy, so let it be.
If you have to move away to be happy, so let it be.
I will not let anyone in my life hinder me from what I want to do and what I want to persue. This is my life and I have spent so much of it living for others and for what people think of me. I am so FUCKING DONE!
I don't know how much longer I have on this earth and I will not spend another minute of it worrying over stuff that I can't control. Keep in mind, I do not regret anything that I have done. I do not regret loving you, you have bettered me in so many ways. I never want to take back what we had. You made me and treated me like the queen I am. You are amazing and if its not with me, you willmake someone happy as hell for the rest of your life.
If I end up with someone else, you better believe I won't settle. I deserve the fucking best and if its not you, it will be someone that treated me just the way you did. With such love and affection that I was drowning in it.
I love you, I will never stop, you were my first true love that I actually felt loved me back the whole time. I'm sorry if I hurt you or am hurting you but I need this.

"Dear God, grant me the serenity to accept the things Icannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference for today."


So, i wake up feeling like shit, once again.
My stomach is fucked up and my nose is runny
as hell. I want to stay home from school so
bad but I know I need to go. I'm fucking up.
I didn't go to Geology and/or Lab on Weds.
I feel like such a lazy bum and I really just
want to drop out of ICC. I'm so ready to be
done with school. I need to get ready and
get my ass up and go to school. I need to
grin and bear it. For my sake. Shit...

I'm falling for Young more and more each day.
I'm so happy and at ease when I'm with him.
When he looks at me, I get such fierce
butterflies. He makes me laugh all the time
and that is such a turn on to me. He is
always so understanding when I have to leave
early because my parents are trippin. Or
he comforts me when my fears and doubts get
the better of me. He's there to reassure me
whenever I start to hate myself for falling
for him after my ex is still madly in love
with me. Its not my doing and its not my
fault but I sure as hell blame myself for
that. I'm scared though. I'm so scared to
get close to him. I think he's gonna end up
liking someone older and more mature. But
then again, I should be living for today and
not worrying of tomorrow.

I can't wait for our date tonight. :D

Today was...

So, today started off as usual. I went to school, dreading it all the way there. I got there and dreaded every class. I then skipped school to go hang out with Young. I had a good heart to heart with him about all the shit that had been hurting me and keeping me down for a while. He's a goood listener. He also told me something very important about him and wondered if it would change the way I felt about him. Since I know about his past, I had a feeling that this could be the case and I told him that I was perfectly fine with it and that it was the past and now he has to live with the choices he made. It was a good convo. Then I went and hung our with my friend Tuck at his house and watched funny videos on youtube. I finished off the night back at Young's house with him and his kid (and eventually 3 other people). His daughter adores me and she is just so full of energy. She is adorable and I am hooked. :)))

I can't wait to see him again because everytime I do, I'm happy.
Maybe tomorrow. I know for sure on Friday cause we got a date. <3

The Older Young one.

He gives me butterflies. I want to see him all the time and talk to him and hear all the things he has to say to me. Its so hard not to text him all the time just to get his insight on life. I'm starting to get infatuated with him, I can feel it. He makes me feel so at ease and comfortable in my skin. I have seen him for the past 3 days and will see him today I hope. I'm excited about that notion and I definitely can't wait til Friday. I'm full of so many emotions. I'm excited and anxious and I feel guilty for feeling this way about someone else when my ex is hurting so badly. I can't help it and I can't help him get over me and move on. He only wants me at least for now and I can't do anything about that.

But I can't wait to see him again. The Young one. Lol. That's such an oxymoron. Lol.

Its official.

So, I was hanging out with my guy friend/interest tonight.
We hung out last night and I ended up staying there til like
one and I still didn't really want to leave. But tonight was when
he said that we are dating. Not in a relationship, no. Just
dating. We have our first date on Friday and I'm excited &

I'm excited because he's all traditional and doesn't count
it as a real date unless its something like dinner and a movie.
I think that's cute. And he wanted to call me and ask me
out and I'm pretty sure that he's gonna pay for it which is
so totally cool with me cause I need to save as much money
as I can in next year. 

I'm so at ease when I'm with him and he makes me laugh so 
much. Not that my ex didn't, I probably just feel this way
because he's new to me. I still got the butterflies and shit.
This is the second night we have actually hung out by ourselves
and we still sit on separate chairs. He is very respectful to me
and I really appreciate it. I need to go slow on this and everything
that follows cause I tend to rush into things.

Did I mention he was 29?? Yeah, that's an eleven going on 
12 year difference. I really don't mind it because we have
a connection and everything. I'm just worried about my parents
and how they would react if they ever found out about us.
Especially if it was before I move out.

I have to lie to them and tell them I'm doing one thing just so
that I can go to his house and watch a movie or a show. We don't
do anything worth being worried about and we won't. I'm
starting to trust him more and become way more comfortable
around him.

I text him all the time and he says that it doesn't bother him
but Idk. I don't want to be all eager and stuff but I can't help
it. Maybe if I was older I would be more mellow and not worry
over why he's taking so long to text me back or something.
I'm a spaz. lol. I think I'm done ranting for now.

Laters <3

Same Day, Different Shit.

So, today started off bogus as hell. I was still crying from the ending it completely with duane, my ex, and it seemed like nothing was gonna change that. It hurt so bad and it still does hurt but if I keep thinking about it, I will never accomplish what I need to. I love him and I know that because of how much it hurts but I gotta do this for me.

I need to know what I want to do with my life and where I want to go with it. I don't need to be in a relationship when I want to go places and experience stuff that might just be harder to do if I was with someone. PLUS, I can't say that I won't fall for someone else because I've been stuck in this town forever and there is sooo much more to see and much more people to meet.

Now, I have decided that I want to have a friends with benefits and have found the perfect canidate. I am so excited. :D

I can't wait for this to happen. All day I have been so sexually frustrated and now...I don't have to go to my ex, which at this point wouldn't take me, to have sex. I have someone just for that purpose. And even better is that he is SEXY AS FUCK!!

That was the frosting on the fucked up then remade cake that was my day.


Its peanut butter jelly time!

Its peanut butter jelly time!
Its peanut butter jelly time!
Where dey at? Where dey
at? Where dey at? Where
dey at? Now there he go.
There he go. There he go.
There he go.

I'm having a good day!
So far...so good. Just gonna
be me and have fun!



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